from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
