I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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