I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize