When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
