I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
