At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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