My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
