Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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