You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I wish there were birth control emojis
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
