I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
