thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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