@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
