After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
