I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
