Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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