I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He called his prostate his "boner button".
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
