from now on my penis is your penis
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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