Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
