Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
All the doctor said was why
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
