he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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