Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Even the bartender felt bad for me
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
