Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
