weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize