You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
