the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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