i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
