So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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