just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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