Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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