Three words: puerto rican gang bang
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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