that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I looked at my own cervix.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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