sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
