Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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