someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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