i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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