This house was built for laser tag.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
What a dumb baby whore.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize