You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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