it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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