in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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