I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
