Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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