dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
