I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
