oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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