she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
