drinking out of a sandbucket again
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
