I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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