I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
