I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
