You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
