There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
