k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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