yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
