Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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