I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
