I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
