I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize