The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
