On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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