You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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